Right Wing Music Makers: The Next Great Chapter in the History of Right Wing Triumphs

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The Singing Senators (1990s): Trent Lott, Larry “Wide Stance” Craig, John Ashcroft, Jim Jeffords

I came late to the punk rock party. Never did any stage diving. Never wore a lot of chains or Doc Martens. Never wore a Mohawk. I still recall seeing a bunch of punkers on a street in London about the time the Sex Pistols and the Clash were dominating the top of the trends and fads. Five or six guys were standing on a corner all decked out in outfits just bristling with implied menace, with studded bracelets, piercings, spiky hair, leather jackets, bad ass boots. At first glance, I thought, “well now, that’s a blow against the empire.” But then I noticed they were waiting for the light to change.

So much for that.

When it comes to truly scary people, we’ve often been fooled by the appearance of American Republicans, with politicians in suits who, beneath those nice white faces would make the Visigoths or the Huns look polite and merciful. Shit, these assholes will take babies from their mothers while smiling in your face and quoting Jesus. They’ll betray people who stood by our flag while they’re waving that flag and calling themselves patriots. They’ll thank our veterans while writing bills to deny them benefits. They’ll eat your lunch, burp in your face, and leave without so much as a thank ya or a howdy do. They’ll throw fetuses in your face and call ’em babies while seeking to deprive actual babies of sustenance and shaming their mothers for having had ’em. They’ll talk about Jesus until they make the heavens rain snakes and spiders down upon us all. They’ll talk love while oozing hate. They’ll deny bigotry while supporting legislation to deny black, brown, gay, or female people the rights they would reserve for themselves. They’ll call you intolerant for not sharing their intolerance. They’ll engage in homosexual predation in men’s rooms and then go out to vilify gay men in stump speeches. They’ll raise the rent on the widows of men who died in wars they created, then enjoy a happy evening drinking a $2000 bottle of wine while excoriating the wasteful ways poor people spend money. They’ll gladly take money from Big Pharma that charges obscene prices for drugs, then vote for continuing gold-plated healthcare for themselves in perpetuity, regardless of the cost. They’ll piss in your water supply, metaphorically and literally, and then spend some of their own lobbyist-fueled income on pricey bottled water from deep wells in foreign lands. And that’s just to bathe in. They’ll praise motherhood and fuck yo’ mama. And her mama, too. They’ll pet your dog and eat her puppies.

In other words, when it comes to punk ass motherfuckers, punk rockers were pretty damn candyass compared to them.

So I got to thinking about some of the high profile right wingers who’ve plagued our peace of mind for so long, and thought maybe if we manage to turn them out of office and force them to seek honest work, some of them could start bands. And if they did, those bands might need names. Here are a few suggestions:

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The Malevolents, featuring The Moscow Mitch McConnell Singers

Head Rush and the Sex Tourists, featuring Rush Limbaugh on lead guitar

The Pukes with Jim Jordan on drums and Mad Max Gaetz on vocals

The Graham Cracker Crumb Bums, with lead singer Lindsey “the Lizard” Graham

The Louie Louie Loonies, with Loopy Louie Gohmert on sax

The Cunts, featuring Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Kelly Ann Conway, Marsha Washburn, and Joni Ernst

Slimy Sean Spicer and the Song and Dancers, featuring the Bush/Cheney Holdover Singers

Uncle Ben and the White Boys, starring Mumblin’ Ben Carson

The Insufferables, with Mike Pence and the Choirboys

Senator John Kennedy and His Louisiana Asslickers

The Blackouts, with Cryin’ Brett Kavanaugh and the Low Bar Boys

Melania and Her EuroTrash Orchestra, doing all their hits, including their inimitable cover of “Love for Sale”

Somewhere South of Heaven, with Franklin Graham and the Reprehensible Hypocrites

Little Steve and His Almost Entirely Aryan Band: With Steven Miller

Steve Bannon and the Boogeymen

Toxic Waste, with the EPA All-Stars

The Fuck Yous, with the FEMA All-Stars

Rand Paul and the Ayn Band

The Scumbags: Featuring Sean Hannity, Dennis Prager, Mark Levin, Geraldo Rivera, Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade, Bill O’Reilly, Glenn Beck, and the Asshole Band

The Shameless: Alan Dershowitz, guitar, Rudy Giuliani, vocals, William Barr, bagpipes, with Igor and Lev on percussion

Wayne LaPierre and the High Calibre Quartet

The Money Honeys: Sonderland, deVos, and Mnuchin

The Lyin’ Sacks O’ Shit, featuring Mediocre Mike Mulvaney

Paul Manafort and the Jailhouse Rockers

Rick Perry and the Dumbfucks

And, last but not least: Trump and the Impeachables, starring Donald “the Don” Trump, and his singing progeny: Ivanka, Don Jr., Eric, and Barron, (with Tiffany on Tambourine).

* * *

I’m sure I’ve overlooked some. Feel free to add your own.

Now listen to the damn song below cuz it’s the best thing you’ll hear all day.

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